What does it take to cleanse?

I have been thinking recently about what it takes for me to cleanse. Why am I successful sometimes and not others? How do I stop myself from the all or nothing thinking that is so easy to fall into?

The times that I have successfully done a cleanse for the duration that I intended, I needed some real motivation. Motivation, for me, has not been weight loss, as I've mentioned in previous posts. Though, that is what people notice and comment on. Then I tell them about the improvement I've experienced in my digestion and elimination that is really what I was aiming for, and still am. When I did a cleanse last year, I was feeling very toxic, primarily from drinking, and I wanted to flush out so much of the waste in my body in a different way, so I chose a raw food cleanse. Motivation: what is important in your life? What do you want to show up for differently or feel better doing?

Timing is very important. Most of my friends have a lot of consciousness about what they eat, even when they don't eat the greatest things. When I was starting my cleanse, some friends gave me a small speech about how they wished they could start doing this for themselves and there seemed to be some shame about what they continued to eat. I said to them that I had wanted to do a cleanse several times over the last year, started for a day or two and stopped. It was really not the right time for me. It is also tough when you tell people you're starting a program, discover it's not the right time for you, and now those people can become reminders of your "failure." In my mind, you're not failing, it is just not the right time, likely because you haven't found the right motivation or the motivation is not strong enough yet. It is okay. Breathe, and be open to starting again. And maybe only share with people who are supportive and understanding.

Next, for anyone who has been keeping up, you know that I have been doing this cleanse for fifteen weeks and today starts week sixteen. I have not been perfect on it, and I wouldn't necessarily expect myself to be over this long of a time. I give myself leeway with some things that don't feel bad, and some occasions that feel like okay occasions to have a drink or eat a potato or whatever. I check in with how I feel, try not to overdo it, and I make sure that I don't sabotage myself because I ate something outside the "allowed" menu.

Sabotage has been a super-engrained pattern in my life, and I find because I started with a sturdy foundation on this cleanse, I am able to not wreck it all because of one free-eating meal. I also notice there are certain things that make me more likely to follow the crowd or eat something undesirable, so I steer clearer from those things or choose consciously to enter into those situations knowing that I will succumb and it will be alright.

I have been 98% or more on track with this cleanse overall. I think that's pretty damn good. I like that  I have set myself up for success, and every once in a while success includes eating a potato. I have had people say that my way of eating right now is very extreme or they could never do this or whatever. To me, I am eating in a way that is pretty sustainable long-term. I give myself allowances, but not so much that I become re-addicted to the things I've let go (which is a very careful balance). I have let go of several things enough that I can really gauge how I feel when I eat them and why I don't want them to be a regular part of my diet. I found the right timing and the right motivation to start this, and I'm still trucking along.

Diet snapshot

What have I eaten this week?

Liver flush (olive oil, garlic, lemon juice)
Flax seed in water
Homemade salad with homemade dressing
Steak-grass fed cooked at home
Chicken wings (not homemade)
Candida cleanse chocolate shakes

The reason I ask myself this is that I'm feeling like shit-emotionally, physically.

And I'm eating pretty in line with what I have been eating for fifteen weeks now, and actually better than most weeks. So, what the hell?

I am contemplating a shift. I'll get back to you on the details.

Over fourteen weeks

I am midway through my fifteenth week of my candida cleanse.

I am feeling a little ucky. Two days ago I was going to begin another purifying-type diet. That basically means continue what I've been doing without the meat-for just four days. I attempted it and yesterday was the only day I was able to do it. I have been RAVENOUS! I'm not sure why. This is an odd time for me to be so hungry. I have also been having cravings for sugar and wheat and such things. Rather than giving in to those things, I have been eating meat and fats. Better choice, but it is still weird that I'm so hungry.

I have also been tired and bitchy. I haven't had coffee for three days which is good. I have still had some caffeinated tea, and I find that caffeine in general is affecting my mood a lot lately. I decided I wanted to get over the taste of coffee first and then work on the caffeine part of the equation. Perhaps I'll move that up in the schedule so as not to feel so crazy.

I am wondering about all this stuff coming up right now. What is driving it? Is it physiological? Is it emotional? I'm sticking to my guns, though, and driving through it. I've come this far...

Candida cleanse chocolate shake

I've posted this before, but it is worth posting again since it feels like a life saver to me. My candida cleanse chocolate shake:

I start with my Magic Bullet cup (approx. 16 oz).
I fill it half full with unsweetened almond milk
I add 2 tbsp cacao
1 tbsp maca powder
1/2 to 3/4 a packet of stevia
Whatever additional spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, etc
Fill the rest with water and optional ice cubes

Blend and enjoy.

This is such a great recipe for when I am craving something sweet, and it is packed with minerals from the cacao. It is great for when I am on my cycle too because of the magnesium. I am enjoying one now. Mmmm

The edge

I'm at this place. It is a vital place. I'm on an edge- a personal edge that I have walked along before and have previously skirted back from only to return to my former state.

I no longer want to live in that former state. But I find myself rationalizing and tripping myself up a little now that I've reached this edge. It doesn't help that my hormones are at their most sensitive right  now.

I have come to this place in my body that I could really actually make some enormous changes if I keep along the path I've been on. I am pooping pretty regularly. I have released 50 pounds. I have just begun to sink below my second plateau in this journey, and I notice I'm having thoughts like 'oh, I could just eat this or drink that. Once wont be a problem.' That is true. Once wont be a problem. But how many times will I do it once? And how many ones equal me being uncomfortable and unhappy again? How many ones make me want to feel invisible because of how I feel and how I look?

When I picture myself in my future, I picture a wonderfully health version of me. And wouldn't I like to bring that future sooner? I know I don't want to start THIS journey over again from the beginning. It has been hard and long. And I can do it another three months from where i am much easier than starting over.

I find as I'm writing this, there is a lot of fear in moving forward from here. I don't know exactly why.  Perhaps because I haven't been beyond this in at least six years. Also, there are pieces of what it feels like I'm leaving behind that I'm really fond of. What I'm moving toward seems much more amazing than what I'm leaving behind, but I haven't actually done it yet, so it's all just visualization and intention and desire. Yes, I know how powerful those things ae. Still, I'm scared. I'm scared of getting there and.....and I'll just leave it there. It's the unknown abyss, so how could I even say.

Three months.

Sometimes I don't realize a symptom is gone until it returns.

Today marks the end of 13 weeks since beginning this cleanse. Yesterday I had a little get together and once all but one friend left I decided to have some wine with her. That was my first wine or alcohol of any kind in 13 weeks.  It was fun. I didn't feel bad. I also had some corn chips-after all we spent good money on the food and beverage and so much was left over. Plus, what interesting things would this sugar do to my body?

A few hours after beginning drinking my left heel of my foot started to hurt so bad I couldn't walk on it. I had had plantar fasciitis somewhat mildly for quite some time before this cleanse started and even through most of the beginning of it. I don't actually know when it faded. But with a little bit of sugar last night, it came back full force in one foot and it's still here this morning.

I actually find this kind of experimentation pretty interesting. Like I've mention, I have basically done an elimination diet for myself and when I add stuff in, I can really tell what it creates in me. Potato chips: migraine headache. Sugary wine: inflammation. Caesar dressing: extreme phlegm. Chicken wings: almost no reaction.

I'm still going onward. Moments like last night are not really setbacks in my mind. They are educational experiences that will help me make informed decisions in the future.

Weird week

I just have a quick update today, nothing too fancy. The latter part of this week I have been craving gluten and wheat, seriously. It seems like the easiest thing in the world to just have a cookie or piece of bread or a bun on my hot dog. And this has come out of seemingly nowhere. I haven't been eating these things for eleven weeks and now my body is asking for them. I say no.

I'm not sure if this craving is physical or mental or both. Just now I wanted pizza pretty badly. I have noted that I'm at the place weight-wise that is the lowest I have been in the last few years give or take a couple pounds. And what has happened at the times when my weight got here before is that I would then start eating everything and zoom back up to ten or fifteen pounds higher. I am breaking this cycle this time through. And, I think, this is the place where I really can start to let things go if I am able to bust through this place.

We shall see. Cheers!