The edge

I'm at this place. It is a vital place. I'm on an edge- a personal edge that I have walked along before and have previously skirted back from only to return to my former state.

I no longer want to live in that former state. But I find myself rationalizing and tripping myself up a little now that I've reached this edge. It doesn't help that my hormones are at their most sensitive right  now.

I have come to this place in my body that I could really actually make some enormous changes if I keep along the path I've been on. I am pooping pretty regularly. I have released 50 pounds. I have just begun to sink below my second plateau in this journey, and I notice I'm having thoughts like 'oh, I could just eat this or drink that. Once wont be a problem.' That is true. Once wont be a problem. But how many times will I do it once? And how many ones equal me being uncomfortable and unhappy again? How many ones make me want to feel invisible because of how I feel and how I look?

When I picture myself in my future, I picture a wonderfully health version of me. And wouldn't I like to bring that future sooner? I know I don't want to start THIS journey over again from the beginning. It has been hard and long. And I can do it another three months from where i am much easier than starting over.

I find as I'm writing this, there is a lot of fear in moving forward from here. I don't know exactly why.  Perhaps because I haven't been beyond this in at least six years. Also, there are pieces of what it feels like I'm leaving behind that I'm really fond of. What I'm moving toward seems much more amazing than what I'm leaving behind, but I haven't actually done it yet, so it's all just visualization and intention and desire. Yes, I know how powerful those things ae. Still, I'm scared. I'm scared of getting there and.....and I'll just leave it there. It's the unknown abyss, so how could I even say.