Six months

It has been just over six months  and a week since I began my cleanse. And I have spent the last month and a half testing myself to see what it would take to put some weight back on my body. This testing is a little sardonic, admittedly. And it took all of this time, with increasingly fewer filters on what I'm eating to gain back five pounds. In one way, it is kind of cool that my body so resisted adding back the weight. In another way, it is a little ridiculous that my emotional body finds it necessary to be so consumptive and abusive to itself.

I also notice my shift in focus from bowel movements (I had three yesterday) to weight. I have talked to a few people recently about this. I naturally reached several plateaus along this journey and after about three weeks would begin dropping again. With this plateau, however, I didn't feel ready to drop to the next place. This place, in pounds, is where I stayed for quite some time the last time I was in a very emotionally unhealthy place in relation to the men in my life. My general relationships are healthier now, but I feel those echoes coming back to me.

What's a girl to do? Well, focusing on weight loss has ever been an answer for me. It is good to remember that. Obviously, I am recognizing my resistance and have awareness. I have this whole time, though, and am still testing my own boundaries. Do I want to live a fully realized life, or do I want to go back and forth a few more times over the next years? Do I want to find another reason to get my energy moving in a good/better/best way?

I may have found one. A reason, that is. My step-dad who I have been developing a better and better relationship with over the last years, invited me to a New Year's Day hike in Sedona. I love hiking and have been way out of practice. He is very practiced, and I want to go and not slow him down too much. What a great excuse to get my body moving! I have been picturing myself going and meeting him for his hikes in Sedona. Then, when he invited me on thanksgiving, I knew this was part of my vision offering itself up to me. Now, I get to let the universe know if I am prepared to take on what I have asked for. It is just 4 1/2 weeks from today. I better get myself moving.